He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
