Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
