When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
All I want is dick and wine.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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