I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You left your underwear on the fireplace
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
