It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
