if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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