Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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