so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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