I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
