I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
