I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize