Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
