Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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