I accidentally had phone sex last night
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
