omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
