he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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