i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
