Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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