Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
