Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize