Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
