I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
