I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
