I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Randomize
