Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
