Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
