I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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