You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
