Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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