I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
