I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I believe in your delicious
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