I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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