So drunk its hurt
my phone needs a breathalizer
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Found your dick twin last night
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
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