I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
