Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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