I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
