I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
