Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Sorry about my life...
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
