my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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