a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
