my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize