I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
