I just threw up on my dentist
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
