I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
