I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize