So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I need moral support for this bender
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
