Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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