Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
