nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
