Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
