My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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