I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
