Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
