College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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