he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
