I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Small penises have feelings too.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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