Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
