Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
