I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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